Schadenfreude

schadenfreude \SHOD-n-froy-duh\, noun: A malicious satisfaction obtained from the misfortunes of others.

When I was younger I suffered a lot from the sad effects of schadenfreude. I used to use this word a lot with my friend as we secretly celebrated when those who we didn't think deserved what they had came to experience the sadness and depravity that we, the more deserving of happiness, somehow seemed to happen upon on a consistent basis.

That all changed when I really did become happy.

Lately I've been feeling a certain vibe of ill will from someone in my life. I've never quite been able to pin point where that ill will came from, but I've recently come to the conclusion that this person may actually be jealous of me. Jealous of me, say whaaa?! Seriously peeps, how could anyone feel jealous of someone who walks around every day with her insecurities on her sleeve for all to take advantage of and tromp upon? But then again, maybe that's just it. Despite all of my insecurities and shortcomings, I've come to accept and even like who I am. Sure I still care about what other people think, but more because I care about them as people and not because I want them to shape who I am in order to be more likeable in their eyes. I choose not to buy into (excuse my French) petty bullshit like whether or not I said the right thing to the right person in order to look good or gain favor for my own benefit.

Some might say it's lame of me to blog about this, that I should just confront the person directly. The problem with this is that I've come to gain a reputation as someone with a paranoid personality who is overly sensitive, so it is easy for people to chalk up such thoughts to my own inner demons. The other thing is, if I really cared to repair my relationship with this person I might try to talk to them about it, but I prefer to analyze and reflect on the situation (i.e. I frankly don't care much for the most part since I am not willing to subject myself to the emotional abuse). And finally, if I feel someone will be open and accepting and honest when discussing such matters with me I might say something, but again, I think that some people are more concerned about making themselves look like the good guy and I am just not down to having a one-sided honest, put-your-feelings-out-there conversation with someone who I feel might be unreciprocal and manipulative. Besides, how do you confront someone about such an insane theory anyway?

"Dear so-and-so, I know you are jealous of me, so step off!"

Somehow that just doesn't quite cut it.

Come to think of it, maybe it isn't so much jealousy with this person as it is a feeling that I am undeserving of the things I have in life. Bet ya they'd feel schadenfreude towards me in a heartbeat!

And if you're wondering if I'm talking about you, don't worry, the person who I am referring to would never ever read my blog because they don't believe in blogs or something totally contrary to who I am.

Another rant from Crazy Conspiracy Theory Lady. There, I feel better now.