Issues

vitriolic - adj. corrosive; sarcastic

I'm taking this class right now that's all about exploring your issues and feelings on things. I'm finding these are my major issues right now:

1. Avoidance of confrontation
2. Feeling rejected/loneliness
3. Thinking too much before speaking/not living "in the moment"
4. Middle child syndrome (goes into #2 - not feeling like I'm worthy)
5. Low confidence level
6. Uneasiness with public speaking/large groups

I don't know if it's right for me to categorize those things, but there you have it. I think the hardest part for me is that we are discussing everything in a large group of 23 people, so for me to try to deal with #s 1-5 while simulataneously feeling uncomfortable talking in front of so many people is really hard. Plus, usually I deal with things through my vitriolic sense of humor, but it seems that is not the healthiest way to go about things.

I think the underlying issue for me right now is my fear of rejection and loneliness. I've thought about it a lot since moving to San Diego. A lot of my friends are not down here, and I'm not the type of person who makes friends easily. I thought it would be easier once I got back to school, but I'm feeling like I'm looked at as an older person that others wouldn't want to hang out with outside of class. Even though I'm only a few years older than most of the other students, I probably have this stigma to me that I'm just a married lady who doesn't like to have fun. I don't really look at people by their age, but I get self conscious that that is how I am seen. Some of my best friends are the same age as the people in my class, but I've never really thought about their age.

It seems we all have a tendency to put people in a box and label them. I know I'm guilty of it from time to time, but I really think I've done a pretty good job of really trying to get to know people for who they are and not basing my assessment of them on pre-conceived notions based on how they look, their age, their marital status, etc. I think the human mind works in a way that we need to categorize in order to make sense of the world, but if everyone could just try to break that tendency and open up, I think the world would be a better place. Again, I am not saying I am free of bias, and I probably never will be. I feel that it's healthy to acknowledge that we have biases, and at least try to be self aware of what they are so that you can work on them. It bothers me when people think they are just soooo open minded and everyone else is so ignorant. I feel lucky to have been exposed to so many different people in my life and to have had training that has allowed me to open up my mind. I can't blame people who have not been as fortunate as I have been. Guess I'm just a fortunate fool.