Lackadaisical

Lackadaisical: adj. idle or indolent, especially in a dreamy way

Yeah, that says it all about me these days. I'm finding I'm lacking in the motivation department lately. I think after all those years I've spent trying to please everyone around me I'm finally getting fed up with it and have started ushering my priorities to the front of the line. So selfish of me, I know. Anyway, it kind of sucks too though because I'm starting to go through this phase where I feel like I'm unlikeable. I think I relied so much on doing whatever it takes to make people happy for years as a means of being liked that now that I'm not doing it as much I am starting to wonder what there is left of me to like.

I'm feeling inconsistent too. I've always felt like I'm not the same me around everyone, so now I'm trying to figure out exactly who the "real" me is. Shooz, I definitely thought I was supposed to be more evolved in that aspect at this age. Funny thing is, I feel like I've gone through this already. I was so sure of who I was in my early 20's but now I'm trying to remember who that was. Loss of memory, another tragic side effect of aging.

Anyway, I know this post is a downer but it's 4 in the morning right now and I guess introspection is what happens when sleep escapes you. Overall things are fine. Spring Break came and went, but wasn't really much of a break if you ask me. I went to a School Counseling conference on Friday where I was part of a group presentation. If you know me at all, you know that public speaking is my greatest fear in life, so I was mentally blocking out most other things this whole week in preparation for the presentation. It went well. I actually didn't feel nervous, but for some reason could still feel my hands shaking when I was up there in front of all those eyes on me. I think my physiological response overrides my actual mental state. Any suggestions on how to control it are more than welcome!